In an unprecedented move, area man, Scott Rivers, surrendered simultaneously to Bee Cave Police, FBI, and ICE agents in an effort to alleviate his unbearable white guilt.  He confessed to 3000 crimes he did not commit and explained, “even if I didn’t actually commit them, I was mentally complicit, which is worse.”  He added, “I shall be the martyr to all white men out there.”  Quickly backtracking, he clarified, “But please don’t take martyr the wrong way.  I didn’t mean to offend.  Sorry!”

Rivers hopes to avoid jail time, arguing his mental anguish was worse than any jail and then inquired if jail baristas use soy milk or almond.

Perplexed authorities briefly contemplated expunging backlogs of cases but quickly fleeted back to the job security those very cases provide.