The global helium shortage is upon us.  CERN, the European research organization that operates the largest particle physics laboratory in the world, is starting to offer helium to consumers – for a price.  In an effort to generate additional revenue for the organization to fund a larger particle collider, CERN is selling helium tanks to the public.

Hans Schonberger, the CERN physicist who developed this project exclaimed, “I hope people understand the gravity of the situation with helium.  The noble physicists at CERN will do what’s necessary to replenish supplies at party stores around the world.  We’re going to come out with a big bang and offer 10% discounts to those who believe in climate science too.  Once we get critical mass and inertia, helium will be back in abundance as will our research funds.  There is no uncertainty in my mind that we can accomplish this with my Helium Balloon String Theory Marketing Plan.  Starting prices are $6.022×10²³ per tank.  For more information, you can call me at +3-141-592-6535.”