In a move that once again shook up Washington, President Donald Trump withdrew his latest pick for Secretary of Defense, Mark Esper, and replaced him with Craig Bronson, the 1985 Worldwide Risk Champion.

In an interview at the Rose Garden, the president proclaimed, “It’s time for us to take a fresh and aggressive approach to the world.  We need a true champion to lead us in various conflicts around the world and I don’t know anyone better to do this than Craig.”

Mr. Bronson chimed in, “It’s a great honor and privilege to be nominated for this position.  I look forward to strategy conquest and worldwide domination!”

Critics of the president uncharacteristically complimented the choice.  Stella Griffin of the Pew Research Center commented, “Craig Bronson seems to be a solid candidate…..compared to the previous two.  Pat Shanahan was violent with his wife. Mark Esper – who knows what will turn up on him.  Something always does.  But Mr. Bronson comes from the 80s, has no history of violence, misogyny, or even racism.  We welcome his nomination.”