The acquittal of President Donald J. Trump this week stirred something quite deep in Washington DC.  Though the epicenter was Church Christ Cemetery in Philadelphia, PA, where most of the founding fathers are buried, the quake shook the entire DC area.

California Senator Dianne Feinstein described the earthquake as felt on the senate floor.  She recounted, “It’s like each vote for acquittal unleashed a series of quakes like I’ve never experienced before.  Our glasses of milk shook, our medication bottles rattled, and our neck folds rolled.  But somehow Bernie’s hair stayed the same.”

Invoked countlessly during the impeachment trial, the Founding Fathers apparently had had enough.  Paranormal experts speculate the following moans emanating from the ground:

John Adams: I told you the two party is system is the greatest evil under our constitution!  Alexander Hamilton: Damn, I knew I should have been clearer in Federalist Paper No. 69! James Madison: Mason, my bad.  We should have kept “maladministration” instead of switching to “high crimes and misdemeanors.”
George Mason: Hamilton, in modern America, your affair and blackmail payments to Maria Reynolds would not have stopped your bid for presidency!  But you’d still need to be afraid of women – apparently they can vote now!
George Washington: Someone owes me $1!  I had bet that factionalism would open the door to foreign influence and corruption!
Thomas Jefferson: Georgie, I’m really sorry I tried to impeach you over the Jay Treaty just because I disagreed with it.  I really had no point of reference!

All the Founding Fathers had simultaneously rolled in their graves on Hamilton’s count.  For those keeping score, they all rolled to the left.  Seismologists predict aftershocks will continue until at least November 3, 2020.