The $500 billion “Exchange Stabilization Fund” included in the massive Senate GOP proposal to rescue the U.S. economy from the coronavirus crisis is setting off alarms. Democrats worry about Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin’s proposed ability to withhold names of corporate beneficiaries for up to six months.

Investigative reporting has exposed that the clause was added at the behest of the president, not as a “slush” fund, but “slushie” fund. Anonymous aides close to President Trump have revealed he is in full panic merely imagining the prospect of KFC going out of business. The $500 billion fund was meant to be earmarked for the fast food giant. Per the aides, the classically trained chefs at the White House simply do not have the background to create the same taste, mouth-feel, and finger licking-feel of KFC’s fried chicken and slushies.