Q: There are no new coronavirus cases in China.  Is the Wuhan Zoo back open yet? 
A: No, please cancel all vacations to Wuhan, China.

Q: Did coronavirus start come from a bat?
A: No, coronavirus came from a Level 4 Biolab in Wuhan, China.

Q: I have coronavirus symptoms!  Where can I get a test kit?
A: South Korea, Singapore

Q: I know coronavirus attacks the lungs.  Should I stop smoking?
A: Oui, oui bien sûr! C’est très important. Arrêtez de fumer maintenant!

Q: Is the Parker Solar Probe in any danger?
A: The sun’s corona has nothing to do with the virus and the probe is providing incredible data, unlike certain governments.

Q: Is this a good time to buy cruise liner stocks?
A: You are bat ship crazy.

Q: I ran out of my pangolin prescription.  Where can I get more? 
A: The pangolin, depending on which species your prescription is from, ranges from vulnerable to critically endangered.  The best thing to do is look for alternatives.  For lactation, try fenugreek instead.  For inflammation, try Advil instead.  For draining pus, try just draining pus.

Q: Can you get coronavirus from TikTok?
A: Not yet.

Q: Should I buy extra ammo for my AK-47?
A: No, do not shoot the virus. It’s just the messenger.

Q: When the coronavirus vaccine comes out, should I get it? Every time I get the flu shot, I get the flu.
A: Check your astrological chart. Your brain appears to be in retrograde.

Q: I’m on Spring Break with 20,000 other millennials.  What precautions should I take?
A: Do not share vapes, ensure all your alcohol is over 60%, and always purell skin before any body shots.  Also, do not come back.