The former NBA player rage tweeted this morning at a radio station which found the perfect Beastie Boys’ song to dedicate to the North Korean dictator. “Step off man, I pray for Un to not be ill or in grave danger.  And let me say, my buddy would never ‘go to the deli to refill his fat belly.’  He has people who go out for him.”

Many news outlets have reported on “grave danger” for Kim Jong Un, who seems to be as dead as Schrödinger’s cat.  In reality, undercover reporters have revealed the true danger is actually in sourcing a coffin big enough for the dictator’s body, which is 4-5 times the size of normal, malnourished North Korean citizens.