Sitting in a heavily armed cafe in beautiful border town, Chaman, Pakistan, Society Garlic’s own Penelope Plumbottom interviewed Taliban Foreign Minister Amir Khan Muttaqui.

Society Garlic: Thank you for agreeing to this interview. I am wondering why we are in Pakistan and not Afghanistan?

Muttaqui: First, in my country – and it should be everywhere – women belong at home indoors. Secondly, the way you have exposed yourself in your attempt at modesty is incredibly disrespectful. I can see your naked eyebrows, wrists, and ankles. Here in Pakistan, sometimes women, even as scantily clothed as yourself, can be in public and can speak to a man, for interviews and other special circumstances. Believe me, soon this will also change.

Society Garlic: Well on that note, you say that the Taliban has reinvented itself since the late 90s. Can you please elaborate?

Muttaqui: Why yes! Since the 90s we have changed so many things.

Beards – In the past, beards were long and unruly. Today we use a great new detangler product that prevents our now silky beards from tangling in the wind and sandstorms.

Beheadings – Slow, brutal beheadings are a thing of the past. Today we use new blade technology that make this process much cleaner and more efficient. We also reuse the hair from those heads for beard extensions.

Music – Rock music is popular today. Everyone loves the sweet sound of rocks being pelted at women who try to leave their homes!

Also, the trending song now is in the tune of your song, “The 12 Days of Christmas.” We proudly sing “The 10 Days of Overthrow!”

Right to work – Men can take most any jobs and it is quite a myth that women can’t work in Afghanistan today. Who else will cook our food and clean up after us?

Burkhas – Today, we have new mesh technology that allows women better visibility from eye slits. They should really thank us.

Turbans – Just look around at the different shades of gray and brown! We are so on trend!

Weapons – We’ve had a nice mix of Russian, Iranian, and American weapons, but now we use new, luxe models of the most recent American M4 assault rifles and M117 security vehicles we took over.

Education – In the past, girls were not permitted to go to school, but today, they can attend up to 6th grade! We are also offering special winter camp called Sexy Subservience. Girls will learn blind obedience and other skills like tea serving, turban wrapping, and beard combing.

Society Garlic: OK, well those changes don’t appear as progressive as your spokesperson had described last month. What about the dissolution of the Ministry of Women’s Affairs and Elimination of Violence against Women Law?

Muttaqui: Violence is in the eye of the beholder. You have shootings. We have beatings, bombings, and beheadings. “Potato, potato,” as you people say. We don’t need any laws to tell us how to control our women.

And “Women’s Affairs” is a Western concept. To address these few topics, we have created a portal for all women to access through their husbands or brothers. Visit the site at: http://www.myshariahlaw.com/property/women

Society Garlic: Thank you for the “enlightening” conversation. I’ll show myself out of here.

Muttaqui: Next time show some respect. Cover your whole body and don’t look at me directly in the eyes. You Americans absolutely live up to your stereotypes.