With the release of Viktor Bout, the Merchant of Death, as a prisoner swap for American celebrity and cannabis connoisseur Brittney Griner, imprisoned terrorists and arms dealers around the country have been given hope that more of these types of exchanges are to come.  Earlier in the year prisoner swaps were much more even.  Former US Marine Trevor Reed was exchanged for Sergei Nikitenkov, who didn’t even have a nickname.  Now, war criminal Alexsei Ivanov is hoping another American celebrity will break Russian laws.  “Most people don’t know this, but I do have a scary nickname.  My nickname is the Purveyor of Panic.  I am hoping some actor, athlete, or other ignorant American celebrity will use free speech, guns, drugs, or alternative pronouns over there.  My time is coming.”

On the other hand, Paul Whelan, who only served our country as a marine, has been trying to create some celebrity appeal to entice the US public, and therefore the US government, to help release him.  He’s wearing his Russian prisoner pants below his boxers, working on his TikTok dances (though they are ancient moves from 2020, the year of his imprisonment), perfecting his jump shot, donning a “420” on his left bicep, and not standing for the American national anthem.  Unfortunately this has yet to yield any results.

Back in the United States, the Biden administration has been pressuring the Marine Corps to change their motto from “Semper Fidelis” (Always Faithful) to “Nunc Fidelis” (Sometimes Faithful), just to set appropriate expectations.