Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory (LLNL) achieved a major breakthrough in nuclear fusion with ignition – getting more energy out than put into a controlled fusion reaction.  Excited physicists are speaking 10dB louder than usual, eating lunch away from their desks, audaciously running unapproved simulations, and generally partying all up in LLNL.  “We and our 192 lasers got lit!” beamed lead physicist Jim Falcone.  “Magnetic confinement can kiss my inertial ass!”

The LLNL inertial confinement fusion process involved aiming 192 laser beams at a capsule filled with heavy isotopes of hydrogen.  The lasers caused the capsule to implode with some of the hydrogen fusing into helium, resulting in extra heat.

A progressive politician, because he/she/they fancied himself/herself/themselves so smart, tried to replicate the experiment in Washington.  He/she/they hired Major Lazer to run 192 lasers, booked the DC chamber of commerce for the capsule, and invited heavy Democrats and Republicans to try to fuse ideas together.  Nothing like this had ever been attempted before.

The results?  While the chamber did in fact implode, the resulting fusion did not yield any additional heat, energy, or reward.  Rather, it resulted in some very unconventional ideas:

(1) funding for the Trans Gender Pipeline

(2) codifying a man’s right to choose sexism

(3) building a wall around Ohio

(4) mandating birth control in blue states

(5) declaring concealed carry a basic “uman” right

(6) assigning gender at conception

(7) banning edgy geometry books

(8) providing emotional support animals a pathway to citizenship

(9) mandating casinos institute a bet forgiveness program

(10) exchanging Maria Sharapova for Paul Whelan